


like two trains on the same track, you collide

by meglimeg



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 2x12 Coda, Aftermath of Torture, Episode 2x12, Episode Related, Fix-It of Sorts, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 00:00:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11196207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meglimeg/pseuds/meglimeg
Summary: Magnus gazes at the fierce intensity in Alec’s eyes, the same intensity that sparks to life when they fall into bed together, the intensity that had burned when Alec had first told Magnus he loved him, when he'd stalked towards Magnus down the aisle of his wedding. It’s the fire that Magnus had fallen in love with first, and the fire he never wants to be without.Cautiously, Magnus reaches out his hands, and Alec meets him halfway. They fold their hands together, and Magnus takes a breath.(post 2x12)





	like two trains on the same track, you collide

**Author's Note:**

> I've spent the last 24 hours re-reading old Malec fics and thought I'd have a go at adding something to the wonderful fics that have come out since Monday. A fix-it of sorts, because I'm still holding out hope that there will be some resolution in the next few weeks.
> 
> Not beta-read, any mistakes are my own! Title is from 'The Ballad of Emmerson Lonestar' by Mystery Jets.

Magnus is silent for a few moments, eyes unfocused, trying both to figure out how to convey to Alec what he’s feeling, as well as to figure out, for himself, what exactly it is that he is feeling. His mouth moves over unformed words, fists clenched against his knees. 

He feels Alec shift beside him, inching, marginally, closer. From the corner of his eye, he sees Alec’s fingers twitch, as if desperate to reach out, to touch. Magnus is all too aware of how Alec tends to react after he hurts, however unintentionally, the people he loves – he’d seen it after Jace had been hurt by the memory demon, had watched Alec press only a cautious hand to Jace’s unconscious form before moving away entirely.

Alec felt guilty then, and he feels guilty now. And now he can’t bring himself to touch Magnus, even though it’s entirely evident that it’s taking all his self-restraint to stop himself from reaching out.

Magnus can’t help but appreciate his thoughtfulness – having not been in his body for so long, having had no control over anything, it’s nice to have someone so close who doesn’t take his physical form for granted. It’s nice that he doesn’t assume that Magnus would be comfortable with physical touch yet. 

Magnus supposes, idly, that he should be angrier at Alec for not recognising him when he was inside Valentine’s body, for manhandling him into that chair, for preparing him for execution. And it had hurt, hurt so badly, but then. Magnus had looked into Alec’s eyes when he’d been pleading with him. He’d seen that confusion, the uncertainty, the flicker of maybe in his gaze. Jace had told him, quietly, as he’d left, that Alec had told him what Magnus had said, that he’d been the one to convince Alec not to worry. 

It seems that Magnus spends a lot of his time wishing Alec would trust his heart.

He’s not angry at Alec, he realises. He’s hurt, and he’s going to need time before he’s anything near himself again, but he doesn’t think he could bring himself to be angry if he tried. Alec had started to listen to him when he was in Valentine, he’d stopped the execution, he was here now. He just wanted Alec close. It was enough.

“I should have believed you,” Alec says quietly from beside him. Magnus turns to face him fully as he continues. “I knew that there was something off but – it sounded so crazy and I, I let myself be convinced. God,” he says, dropping his head into his hands, rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “You nearly died,” he says, voice barely audible. “You were tortured, for hours, because I was too stupid to listen to my instincts.” He lifts his head, and Magnus sees the redness around his eyes, as if Alec’s been desperately pressing the tears back into them. 

Magnus’ heart drops, and he curses both Valentine and Azazel for so recklessly playing with their love.

“It’s my fault,” Alec murmurs, staring at the wall. “You went through hell, you nearly died, and it was my fault.” He drops his head slightly, then picks it back up, eyes focused on Magnus. “Whatever you need, whatever you want, whatever I can do to make this right. You say the word and I’ll do it. I’m here. I’m here and I’m with you and I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure you’re okay, and to win your trust back.”

Magnus gazes at the fierce intensity in Alec’s eyes, the same intensity that sparks to life when they fall into bed together, the intensity that had burned when Alec had first told Magnus he loved him, when he’d stalked towards Magnus down the aisle of his wedding. It’s the fire that Magnus had fallen in love with first, and the fire he never wants to be without. 

Cautiously, Magnus reaches out his hands, and Alec meets him halfway. They fold their hands together, and Magnus takes a breath. 

“Alexander. There’s no magic that can undo what’s happened, nothing you can do that will make me suddenly okay.” Alec runs his thumbs soothingly over Magnus’ hands, eyes focused on his. “I understand why you didn’t believe me. And I know you recognised something in me, even if you didn’t want to.”

Alec lets his eyes flutter closed. “You don’t have to do that.”

Magnus frowns. “Do what?”

“Lie to make me feel better,” Alec says, eyes opening again. “You got really hurt because of me. Please don’t make excuses for me.”

Magnus shakes his head. “I’m not going to punish you, Alexander, if that’s what you mean.”

“No,” Alec takes a breath. “No. But. Be mad at me. If that’s what you need. If you need me to leave, then I’ll leave.”

Magnus shakes his head. A lot of things aren’t clear in his mind, but on this, he is certain. “No, I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay more than ever, but. It’ll be a while. Before things return to normal. Before we’re back to normal.”

Alec nods, eyes set on Magnus’ face. “Okay. And I’m here. I’m here for as long as it takes.”

Magnus can’t help but smile at the seriousness of Alec’s stare, and says, “What if it takes forever?”

He means it as a joke, some lame attempt to shift some of his self-consciousness, but as the words come from his mouth, he realises how possible they may be. He doesn’t think it’ll take forever. But then, he has no way of knowing how long it will actually take. 

Alec squeezes Magnus’ hands. “I’m here for as long as it takes,” he repeats, fire back behind his glorious hazel eyes. “If it takes forever, then I’m here forever.” The corner of his mouth lifts in a small smile, and it’s probably the best he can bring himself to do under the circumstances. Magnus wants the other smile back. The one that could outshine the sun. 

Alec rubs his thumbs against Magnus’ hands again, as if they’re something holy. He says, “It’s where I was planning to be anyway.”

Magnus’ heart swells with something he doesn’t think he’s felt before, and he leans forward, resting his forehead against Alec’s. His next words come out in a whisper, because he doesn’t want this sweet peace to end just yet. He says, “I will tell you, soon. But for now, let’s just. Let’s just be.”

Alec nods softly, their hands still clasped together. They stay like that for a few moments, heads and hands and hearts together, and then Magnus, exhausted and drained in ways he didn’t know possible, yawns.

The moment is broken, and they pull apart, but Alec smiles and says, “I think you need to sleep for about a week.”

Magnus nods, running his hand across his eyes, no doubt smearing some of the make up there. When he pulls it away and sees the black on his palm, he sighs, clicks his fingers, and hopes that he had enough magic left to clear away the rest of his make up.

“Do you want me to come to bed with you?” Alec asks, voice small, eyes cautious. “Or shall I sleep in the guest bedroom?” Before Magnus has a chance to reply, he quickly adds, “Or I can go. Whatever’s best for you.”

Magnus rises from the couch, and holds a hand out to Alec. 

Alec eyes it warily, and says, “Are you sure?”

Magnus nods. “Perhaps not spooning, but. Well. I would like you close. I’ve spent far too long today being isolated.”

Alec pauses a moment, his eyes flashing with pain and guilt, before reaching out his hand to take Magnus’, and letting himself be pulled from the couch. There’s a moment, then, a spark, and they both stand and watch one another closely. 

Alec says, “I love you. I really love you.”

Magnus nods, and smiles. “I love you too.” He watches as Alec’s shoulders visibly relax, as if he was waiting for confirmation. As if there was any ever chance of that changing. Magnus’ heart belongs to Alexander for as long as he’ll have it. Probably longer. “Let’s go to bed,” he says.

He leads. Alec follows.  
-  
Magnus sleeps for over fourteen hours – Alec had stayed awake until Magnus had fallen asleep at about 3am, and then slowly let himself sleep, being careful to keep some distance between them both. They had a tendency to drift towards each other in the night, regardless of how they fell asleep, and Alec didn’t want Magnus to wake up panicking because Alec had started cuddling him unconsciously. 

Luckily, when Alec wakes up with the sun at about 7, they’d drifted closer together, but weren’t touching – although, and it makes Alec’s heart skip, they were facing each other, hands resting stretched out to one another on the bed. 

Alec spends the better part of an hour watching Magnus sleep, watching his chest rise and fall, watching his eyelids flicker, watching his cheek occasionally twitch. His chest balloons with such ardent love, pride, pain – all his instincts are telling him to drag Magnus in close, to hold him tight and stop the world from ever coming near him again. 

This time, when he ignores his instincts, he knows he’s doing it for the right reasons.

Magnus normally finds it difficult to stay asleep after the sun’s come spilling in through the windows, but Alec supposes everything’s shifted, now. He takes a moment to enjoy the way the sun sits on Magnus’ skin, before slowly, quietly, carefully, rolling out of bed.

He steps through the quiet apartment and pulls out his phone. A few missed calls from Izzy, a couple from Jace, one from Clary. He sends out messages to them all: I’m staying with Magnus for a while, he’s doing okay but needs time. Please don’t call unless it’s life or death.

He makes himself a cup of coffee, forgoes breakfast, grabs a book from the shelf that he’d been eyeing for a while, and then settles himself back onto the bed next to Magnus. 

He reads while stealing glances at Magnus every few minutes, always giving himself a few moments to just enjoy being with the love of his life.  
Magnus wakes at around 5pm, after Alec has nearly finished the book he’d started reading, and after he genuinely started considering if maybe Magnus needed some kind of medical attention. He’d picked up Magnus’ phone to try to find either Catarina’s or Dot’s phone number, but had paused immediately as he started scrolling through the contacts. 

‘A. Lightwood’? Was he really only ‘A. Lightwood’ in Magnus’ phone? He thinks to his own phone, where Magnus’ entry had gone from ‘Magnus Bane (Warlock)’ to ‘Magnus Bane’, to ‘Magnus’, to ‘Magnus’ followed by a series of faces blowing a kiss (courtesy of Izzy).

Magnus shifts beside him. Right. Not the time.

“Alexander?” Magnus’ voice, groggy and low, sings into Alec’s ear, and he drops the phone to his lap and turns to face him. 

Magnus was looking up at him, still beautiful, un-glamoured eyes shining. 

Alec turns, places a hand gently on Magnus’. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

Magnus seems to consider his answer for a few moments, before replying, “I was expecting nightmares. Why didn’t I have nightmares?”

Alec squeezes his hand. “I don’t know. I guess you were pretty drained.”

Magnus hums, thoughtfully, before pulling himself up to a sitting position. Alec watches as he rolls his shoulders, before, tentatively, resting his head onto Alec’s shoulder. 

Alec revels in the feeling of having Magnus so close, but doesn’t dare lift his arm around Magnus’ shoulder. Not yet.

“What time is it?” Magnus asks, and Alec clicks Magnus’ phone to check. 

“5.27,” he says, even though Magnus can definitely see it on the screen.

Magnus huffs, and asks, “Why do you have my phone?”

“You were asleep so long I thought I might have to call for some help. Either Cat or Dot. But then you woke up.”

“Ah,” Magnus replies, sleepily. “Did you see my embarrassment?”

“Your what?” Alec asks, turning his head slightly to look down at Magnus, whose eyes are starting to rest closed. “Hey, I’m not sure you should fall asleep again so soon. You might not sleep tonight.”

“All right, Alexander, I’m awake,” Magnus says, lifting his head from Alec’s shoulder, and Alec has to resist the urge to say no, come back, you can stay awake and be close to me too. “I meant,” Magnus says, resting back against the pillows, “your name?”

“Oh,” Alec says, painting indifference on his face as best he can. “I may have noticed it.”

Alec coughs awkwardly, and feels Magnus huff in amusement beside him. “At first it felt silly, because if something happened to me, then no one was likely to go through my phone. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea.”

Alec furrows his brow. “Um, I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Well, it was Clary that gave me the idea, when she said that Simon had lost his phone, and the person who found it rang the first number in the contacts list, who was apparently someone he hadn’t spoken to in years. And then I looked, and the first person on my contact list was someone called Abraham I met once eight years ago.”

“Magnus, I’m confused.”

Magnus raises an eyebrow. “Well, if you’re just ‘Alec’, in my phone, then you’re eighth in my contacts. If you’re ‘A. Lightwood’, then you’re first. So if something happens, and someone finds my phone, they’ll call you.” He pauses, then says, “You didn’t know that, did you? You thought I just had you in my phone as something as dull as that for no reason.”

Alec lets his eyes fall shut, huffs a small smile. “Everything’s been so all over the place. I don’t know if I could tell you which way was up right now.”

Magnus rests his head back onto Alec’s shoulder, and the movement causes Alec to open his eyes. “I know which way is up,” he says, burying his nose down near Alec’s neck. “I don’t know my left from my right, though.”

Alec turns his head, takes a chance, presses a gentle, tentative kiss to the top of Magnus’ head. Magnus doesn’t pull away. “Well, it looks like we’re both in luck there. Because I’m excellent at left and right.”

Magnus breathes into Alec’s neck. “Archery does come in useful, doesn’t it?”

Alec risks another kiss. “You hungry?”

Magnus nods into Alec’s skin, but then says, “I don’t want to eat. Not yet.”

Alec sighs. “You should eat something, I think. But whatever you need. If you want to stay in bed I can bring food to you?”

Magnus considers this for a moment, before lifting his head, and saying, “No, you’re right. But I don’t think I can stomach any more than bread.”

Alec smiles. “I’ll take that.”  
-  
Magnus manages a few slices of toast and butter, while Alec has the same but with eggs, and they eat in silence, side by side, on the couch, not touching, but not far apart either. When they finish, Alec clears the plates away and puts them by the sink. He considers doing the dishes there and then, but figures he’ll have time when Magnus is sleeping and Alec is too dogged by guilt to sleep.

When he returns to Magnus, he’s looking blankly at the floor by his feet. Alec stops before approaching him, sensing a change, a shift. He steps slowly towards him, taking his place back on the couch, but slightly further away. He’s about to speak, to ask if he’s okay, when Magnus sighs.

“I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything that I’d forgotten. I didn’t have nightmares because I’m going to be thinking about it every time I’m awake.”

His voice is so small, so guarded, his hands clasped together at his knees, almost as if in prayer. Alec’s chest aches.

“Do you want to talk about it? Do you think that would help?”

Magnus turns briefly to look at Alec. “I think, probably.” He sighs. “But not yet.”

Alec nods. “Whatever you need. Whenever, whatever.”

Magnus sighs, keeps his eyes on the floor. “Alexander, if you need to leave, you can. I’m sure you have very important business to attend to.”

Alec shakes his head immediately. “Not more important than you. Never more important than you.”  
-  
Alec doesn’t touch Magnus for the rest of the night. They sit together, reading, talking, sitting in silence. Magnus goes quiet every now and then, and Alec has to remind himself, each time, not to just reach a hand out to Magnus’ cheek, or pull him in. He thinks about doing the same to Valentine when he was in Magnus’ body, and it makes him go cold. He wants to replace that horrible memory with one of Magnus, his Magnus. 

At near 11, just before they turn in for bed, Magnus says, “I forgive you, you know. For not recognizing me. I know you don’t forgive yourself, and I suspect it will be a while before you do. But I do forgive you.”

“You shouldn’t,” Alec replies instinctively. “You were really hurt as a direct result of my actions. You’re still hurt.”

“I know, Alexander.” Magnus sighs. “But love makes fools of us all, does it not?” Alec huffs a laugh. “If our positions were reversed, I feel that you would forgive me.”

Alec sighs in turn. “You wouldn’t need forgiving. You would have believed me. You would know what that spell was and you wouldn’t have let anyone talk you out of your instincts and you wouldn’t have – fuck, you wouldn’t have messed this up.” 

“Maybe, maybe not,” Magnus says. “I hope we never find out for sure. But, darling, it’s already easier than it was yesterday. And it will get easier still.” He smiles. “We’ve got to not push each other away. I think someone very smart said that earlier?”

Alec smiles. “Yeah, someone very smart, and very beautiful. The love of my life, actually.”

“He must be very lucky.”

Alec shakes his head. “I’m the lucky one. I messed up big time, and he’s got the biggest heart in the whole world, and so he still forgave me. But I’m going to prove to him how much he means to me. I’m going make it up to him, no matter what it takes.”

Magnus watches him speak carefully. He’s silent for a few moments, and then says, “I love you, Alexander.”

Alec sighs almost in relief, and Magnus stands. “Come. Bed time, I think.”  
-  
Magnus does have a nightmare that night, and it terrifies Alec enough that he places both hands on Magnus to wake him up from it. 

When Magnus wakes, he gazes at Alec through un-glamored eyes with such abstract fear that Alec holds his hands up in surrender. “It’s just a nightmare, Magnus, you’re okay. You’re here, at home, in the loft, with me. There’s no one else here. You’re all right.”

Slowly, Magnus’ breathing returns to normal, his stiff shoulders relax, and he falls back against the pillows, rubbing a hand over his face. “Sorry,” he murmurs into his palm.

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Alec says, dropping himself down to lie closer to Magnus, still not touching. “Do you need anything? A glass of water?”

Magnus removes his hand from his face and says, “No. No. Please stay.” It’s quiet, barely audible, but Alec hears it. He nods, eyes glued to Magnus’ face. 

They’re both silent for a little while, and then Magnus reaches out to Alec. “Just,” he says, breathless. “Just hold my hand?”

Alec doesn’t think before he’s folding his hand into Magnus’. “Of course,” he murmurs, squeezing Magnus’ hand gently. 

Magnus hums, and asks, “Why do you do that?”

Alec raises an eyebrow. “Do what?”

“You squeeze my hand when you hold it.”

“Oh,” Alec says, shifting slightly. “It’s just something my mom used to say. She always said that, if someone was holding your hand, and they squeezed, it meant that they loved you.”

Magnus squeezes Alec’s hand immediately, and Alec smiles. “That doesn’t sound like Maryse,” Magnus says. “But it’s a lovely sentiment.”

Alec attempts a shrug, although it ends up looking like more of a general shift. “She was sweet when we were really young. I don’t think we were very easy children to raise.”

“From what I’ve heard, Alexander, no child is easy to raise.”

“Yeah. I guess,” Alec says, running his thumb over Magnus’ hand. He keeps rubbing until Magnus’ eyes start to drift closed, and continues for nearly twenty minutes after his breathing has evened out and he’s entirely fallen asleep.

He holds onto Magnus’ hand as he sleeps, this time. 

He thinks back over the past few days, over the unimaginable pain that Magnus had suffered, at the guilt that was currently gnawing its way through his abdomen, at the knowledge that there’s been a shift in something between them as a result. It feels, superficially, like a step-back, but when Alec thinks more closely?  
He looks down at their joined hands, only barely visible in the moonlight. He thinks about Magnus’ resolute defiance that he’s going to tell Alec everything someday. He thinks about staying with Magnus through everything, through thick and thin, thinks about how easy it had been to promise Magnus forever.

Because Magnus is forever, for Alec. There is never going to be anyone else for Alec, even if their relationship doesn’t work out.

He swipes his thumb over Magnus’ hand, back and forth, back and forth. Back and forth.  
-

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! I'm on tumblr at [slowunsteady](http://slowunsteady.tumblr.com) consistently crying about Malec


End file.
